Thursday's Joke of the Day

Computers let you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates?

Why was the computer so tired when it got home?
Because it had a hard drive.

Being right too soon is socially unacceptable.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

Insects that make honey are always on their best bee-hive-iour.

If George Washington were alive today he'd describe his axing of the cherry tree as mere downsizing.

I had a difficult time remembering names until I took that Dave Carnegie course.

Car sales people are trying to sell for the lease amount.

Telemarketers should write out their sales scripts phone etiquettely.

Q: What happens to frogs with too many parking tickets?
A: They get toad.

Q: What rock group has four men who don't sing?
A: Mount Rushmore.

You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

I think my vegetables are upset at the way I cooked them over boiling water. They're really steamed.

How do you make anti-freeze?
You take away her pajamas.

What kind of bed does an ape sleep on?
An apricot

What do you call the best student at Unicorn school?
The "A"corn.

What does the tooth fairy give for half a tooth?
Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the .tooth

Why won't clams lend you money?
Because they are shellfish

Why were screams coming from the kitchen?
The cook was beating the eggs.

Why do people dislike going to the dentist?
Because he is boring.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do computer geeks get?
Slipped discs.

What does the ground use to keep warm in winter?
A blanket of snow

Why did the man bring his dog to the railroad station?
To train him

If we don't conserve water we could go from one ex-stream to another.

Two churches being built in a race to completion were on a steeple chase

I was asked by a reporter why I didn't compete in the big track meet.
I answered I had sprained my ankle. The reporter replied, "That's a lame excuse."

I used to be a dentist, but I couldn't stand living hand-to-mouth.

What is the difference between an angry rabbit and counterfeit money?
One is a mad bunny and the other is bad money.

What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers?
"Law-suits."

What is the easiest way to get on TV?
Sit on your set.

Back when the news was written on clay tablets there was a lot of breaking news.

What is a chicken's favorite vegetable?
Eggplant

What did the dad tell his son when he became impatient with fishing?
Just bait and see

When online commentators passionately disagree with each other, are they at bloggerheads?

The rumor that only strained orange juice is healthy was a good example of pulp fiction.

What did the doughnut maker get when he bought out his partner?
The hole business

How did the janitor do when he played poker?
He cleaned up

What kind of cars do cats drive?
Cat-illacs

What do you have if an ax falls on your car?
An ax-i-dent

Why are ducks always the first to leave the restaurant?
They already have their bills.

What did the artist and the hit musical have in common?
They both drew crowds.

What did the plate say to the table?
Lunch is on me.