Saturday's Joke of the Day

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Usually, that individual is crazy.

The trouble with today's news is that most of the time, it's too true to be good.

Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.

When the trucker passed the mountain driving test, he made the grade.

 I may have settled in shipping.

 I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

 I have a mind like a steel...animal catcher thingee

 I once found a throw rug in a catch basin.

What do you get if you cross poison ivy with four-leaf clovers?
A rash of good luck.

What did the triangle say to the circle?
You're so pointless.

Why did they arrest the cowboy who wore corduroy jeans?
For rustling.

What is a dance for two containers?
The can-can.

What kind of fish is most famous?
A starfish.

Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

 A positive attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

Why was night baseball started?
Because bats like to sleep in the daytime.

Why did the little kid dance on the jar of jam?
Because the top said, "Twist to open."

Why was William Shakespeare able to write so well?
Because where there's a Will, there's a way.

Why is the circus man who was shot out of the cannon not working anymore?
Because he was discharged.

Walking on water is no easy feet.

If you're "not yourself today," enjoy it while ya can.

Pure-bred dogs are bona-fido.

A bird watcher had a mynah problem but with no egrets.

Biodegradables just don't make degrade.

How do you stop a werewolf howling in the back of a car?
Put him in the front!

When the plums dry on your tree, it's time to prune.

He knew he was going to get caught making graffiti. The handwriting was on the wall.

He lost the worm from his hook and went on fishing unabated.

Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded.

He arrived late at the party to find he was beaten to the punch.

Why do gardeners hate weeds?
Give weeds an inch and they'll take a yard.

What makes a chess player happy?
Taking a knight off.

What bird is always with you at dinner?
A swallow

What is a boxer's favorite drink?
Punch

I wanted to become a Satanist but I was chicken so I started
worshiping deviled eggs.

Why is a bride always out of luck on her wedding day?
Because she never marries the best man.

What's the difference between Noah's ark and Joan of Arc?
One is made of wood and the other is Maid of Orleans.

I've got great health insurance. If I get knocked on the head they pay
me a lump sum.

Saying goodbye to the neighbors can be a moving scene.